View Thread : Autobiographies ~ Dark Jaguar

Dark Jaguar
Dark Jaguar, called the retarded dreamer by some. This, is... it's... story.

DJ was born nearly 14,000,000,000 Earth years ago, a couple weeks after the universe decided to exist on itself. This period, also known as the year after colony 195, was one of extreme claustrophobia. Also, there were unicorns, which were promptly used as food and furniture at the time.

During this period, the popular band was the "Screaming Poopoofaces",
which Dark quickly became a core fan of. Since that point, Dark has often been known to be called a "poopface", chiefly as a compliment to DJ's good taste in music, but also because DJ is a huge poopface.

At a certain point, Dark Jaguar took the oppertunity to hum the first 7 notes of the classic Batman live action series over and over again, for 3 billion years nonstop... This scientists have found to be the chief cause of the uniform shape of the hot plasma at the start of creation to suddenly start clumping into large globs. In a way, DJ is chiefly responsible for that one galaxy that housed the Great Destroyer.

At any rate, DJ eventually got to the end of the song when Jaguar realized fully the true meaning of cheese. Thus, DJ began a trek that would span a whole block and a half of the local town. This trek, which involved many adventures, ended with falling flat on an ant hill. That hurt, and taught DJ one of many valuable lessons. None of these lessons are mentioned in this book however, so stop looking.

Thus, DJ took off to become the world's greatest master of Semnatmon. The legendary :far-out: soon showed itself. None knew it's true power, except that it ran right over DJ.

The important thing is that Dark decided at long last to get a short intern job as most people do at that age and expand it's own horizens. Everything was going well. Indeed, this is a transcript of one conversation with a fellow employee.

Employee type person: Ya know Jaguar, you sure make a nice cup of coffee there.

Dark Jaguar: Heh, yeah thanks.

Employeerty: I mean, I'm just shocked at the quality, especially since you claim you never even drink the stuff.

DJ: Yeah, well, I'm just a normal human ya know? Not like I have any PARTICULAR special powers.

Empathy: Of course not, no one said you did.

DJ: Said I did WHAT? Oh no! Alright, well you may have found me out, but you're taking this secret to your grave!

Emp shockwave: What? NOOOO!!! My colating finger! Also, my BRAINS!

In fact, DJ managed to kill over 2 trillian jr. executives in this fasion until eventually Jaguar was recruited by the space police super force of elderly asian men with skin disorders, aka the spsfoeamwsd, to fight against the truest evil the universe had ever known, some weird British boxer!
This being of immense power destroyed entire universes with a single gloved punch, but what REALLY made it suck was that wussy British accent and lines like "I'll toast YOUR turkey!". This horrific being was SO annoyingly wussy, yet kicked the arse of EVERY macho man trying to put him in his place. Thus, it was up to Dark Jaguar. Well, Dark Jaguar tried and failed miserably. In fact, it was such a humiliating defeat that to this day the poems of it are heard around the Elvish forests, most mentioning the fact that during most of the "fight" DJ was screaming like a cheerleader. In fact, this poem was set to song in the famous hit, Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 (which can be found in your local media folder as an RMI file). Fortunatly, the elderly asian men who were watching were so very ugly that the British jolly by cracky was forced into early retirement, and retreated to the Digiworld.

DJ, for the shame of being beaten by a British person, regardless of all other things in this matter, was banished to the worst scum hole in the universe. Many years passed in this place, and DJ soon grew crazy. However, it has been said by one of Dark's closest friends that a revelation soon shined forth. DJ had been banished by none other, than DJ, so well, it's not like it was something set in stone or anything. DJ thus left the dark void, which would later be known as the birthplace of Laser Link (which is a blatent LIE), and decided to go on a journey. Upon DJ's return, it was found that Jaguar's servent, a slave who DJ had kidnapped as a babe to prevent it from having memories of it's past and raised to dust a single apple which had long since rotted away to near nothing, was attempting to escape. DJ quickly became enraged and was heard to say "Well if you don't want to BE a slave, I guess I don't want you as a slave! Go ahead! BE free! See if I care!". DJ then was reported to have been seen running out of the looming mansion crying like freakin' porpoise hork.

DJ decided that perhaps it was time to start up a family of some sort, like all the other life forms were doing. Soon however, DJ found an utter lack of sexual reproduction. That wasn't surprising, since every single creature alive at the time reproduced via either budding, division, or spores. Well, there was that one that needed to injest a planet to reprodus, but Lavos doesn't count and ruins parties. So, DJ attempted asexual division, and accidently broke the universe (see: the animation when you enter a battle in Xenogears). Henceforth, there were infinite realities, and indeed in the creation DJ's mind was split across these many universes, thus explaining not only an odd obsession with cows, but also something about being split personality... thing. DJ then managed to defeat alternate Solidus Snake in battle only barely, when Solidus accidently slipped and broke his back on George Washington's giant statue finger, and swore off reproducing for a whole cycle.

Thusly, DJ went forth on a quest across Middle Earth, reaching the legendary Flaketown, home of the legendary King Afro. Walking through the grand doors of King Afro's Righteous Palace, DJ soon beheld the legend that was this great and noble king. A local hippy love child reported the following dialog:

DJ: Yo Majesty!

King Afro Well, if it isn't a smooth breathe of fresh air hitting my face called respect. Yeah there's something you can do for me, a quest if you may.

DJ: Alright, I'll do it, but could you tell me why you don't just send one of your knights for this?

KA: I SENT Knights! I sent ALL my knights! Well, all except Barry...

DJ: What's wrong with Barry?

KA: Well, Barry is... well, I send him on... "special" quests.
DJ: Such as...

KA: I send him to get my lunch. Want something?

DJ: Um, no thanks...

KA: Now look, you better show me the proper respect here.

DJ: Um, excuse me? Are you threatening me?

KA: Now you just listen here. I'm just going to give you this warning. You keep going the way you're going, and you cross the line. You cross the line, and I kill your ass. That's not a threat, that's a sergeon general's warning, just like on a carton of cigars.

DJ: Understood, so what's this quest?

KA: Ya need to get me back my grail. If it's not returned, we're talking floods and fires and famines and all sorts of other f words!

DJ: Oh, what's that?

KA: That would be the grail, and for that, I think you know what I gotta do.

*Henceforth, DJ was known as a being without an ass. DJ would never again call such things an ass, but rather an arse, and would always claim to be evolved beyond such things, but the truth was known.*

DJ eventually decided to take a job as a part time chef. Unfortunatly, it was soon discovered that being a chef has nothing to do with nuclear waste. In fact, most historians agree that the meals were not salvagable. Indeed, as this scientist demonstrated by adding a common household ingredient, this jar of crushed almond seed, to these meals, it becomes apparent that the flavor is not significantly helped.

Thus, DJ went to Earth. This place was a very large ocean party pretty much at the time. DJ in fact began a ritualistic dance, eventually resulting in a very annoying rendition of the mocking bird song (as is related in the popular yet largely inoffensive work of humanity, Dumb and Dumber), which was played at a VERY loud volume across the entire planet for several million years, deafening and largely annoying all the species of the Earth. The evolution was henceforth altered for the sake of surviving against the looming threat of insanity and extreme annoyance, as science has found there is no evolutionary advantage to living on a world bombarded with a really bad rendition of a song that's pretty annoying to start with. Thus, humanity was born, a species which would not only go on to actually invent the very song DJ was "singing", but would also finally put a stop to the infernal racket. Indeed, using the amazingly superior technology of the era, the ice men used a rock propelled spear which was tossed totally straight up until DJ's very soul was impailed and sent spiraling to the planet. Thus, DJ was shut up and the world was left to it's own devices. Humans however were left as the unfortunate byproduct, for the one species that could withstand such an annoying sound prooved to be far more annoying than anything the universe had ever known. Thusly, DJ decided to take up residence in the town of, I dunno, I'm gonna say... McFarkleland. DJ proved to have skills in the art of pottery, and many amazing works were crafted, which to this day no one has any idea as to what purpose it originally had.

DJ quickly became a celebrity, and introduced all the latest trends to humans. The common garb at the time was to wear the outercasing of the mechanical portion of the common wristwatch as earings. However, all this was dwarfed by the coming of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Jesus, who has been scientifically prooven to be funky beyond measure, took DJ to meet God. God, who had just gotten back from a several month vacation in the swiss alps, immediatly charged DJ with the task of battling Satan to the death, in Pacman. Thus, Pacman Vs was born, though years later tree hugging pro-gun rights activist, devout Christian, and all around poorly photographed man, Shigeru Miyamoto (pictured here) :shiggy2: would claim invention of the title, which thanks to the proven method of time travel may still be true. The battle raged between DJ and arch demon. Then, Satan won, and they switched places, and the battle once again raged on into the night. Eventually, there was a Dance Dance competition, and though Satan pulled out all manner of tricks, included the legendary 4 footed manuever invented long ago by one-leg McGee, in the end the machine broke and Satan got bored and went home, taking back the Pacman Vs game which he brought over anyway. Thus, DJ won the battle, which really had no real purpose because Satan forgot to declare exactly what was being wagered.

After a brief stint as the substitute president acting for former President Terry Tinkleson, DJ led a normal life as a political freedom fighter/secret spy agent until the invention of the NES.

The NES, forged in a collaboration of humans and asians, had taken Earth by storm, also some outlying space colonies liked it. DJ, although having retardo syndrome and thus no coordination, managed to totally enjoy it, in the same way a cat can enjoy watching TV. Soon, as time went on, DJ became a little less retardo thanks to gifts of man urine from SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCE GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST. It lasted long enough for DJ to enter a contest in Oklahoma for video game enthusiests. Being in Oklahoma, everyone there was half dumbarse and also half GENIUS, this meant that DJ had the highest score in the mud skipping game, having gotten closest to the mud before spontaneously combusting.

Soon, DJ found the most amazing thing since the mind being spread thin like a drop of butter over the thick loaf that is the infinite multiverse, in the internet. Herein, one could watch a male monkey urinate into the air and drink from it like some sort of magic wang fountain, or even mortgage one's finances, maybe even hear a radio show wherein a midget demon, a demented alien, and an ex-convict but still active freak, all fight the ultimate sin of annoyance, and maybe replace someone's genitals with a coffee maker.

It was here that DJ found the land of Tendo City, with local denizens lazyfatbum and Laser Link holding sway over the masses with some sort of hypnotizing perverted niceness combo. DJ soon found a place, desiring nothing more than a Mew or two, and getting one totally. Also, DJ found that the lazyfatbum creature would be an infinite source of stolen material, so long as it was changed JUST enough that no one would ever EVER notice... EVER. Many adventures were undertaken since then.

At a time, DJ and others rescued Santa and saved Christmas just in time for Easter. Another adventure saw DJ wander around aimlessly in DJ's own signature until being beaten in a medeval prison and left for dead, thus saving the children. Yet another time saw DJ creating a legend, a legend with a much more interesting tale. DJ created (sorta) the lovely cow of Tendo City. For, DJ managed to play an obscure LOTR parody for DOS that was too hilarious to NOT steal jokes from and pass them off as originals. Greeting people with the phrase "We've got a cow, a lovely cow!", though enraging the gods, pleased the denizens of TC. And, although due to their compliance they all await horrible yet ironic punishments beyond measure in the afterlife (for example, Great Rumbler will NEVER see his coming, let's just say he'll be acting as a suppository for OB1, or maybe that gives it all away), for the time they were certainly pleased to enjoy such a rational and logical mascot as a lovely cow.

But all was not well in DJ land. For you see, a roller coaster had recently crashed into a museum, killing a display of small children kept alive in cages, and DJ was indited for crimes against fasion. Eventually, people came to their senses and let DJ loose into the wild after learning a few lessons about nature and themselves. To this day, DJ can be found promising amazing funny comics and delivering (almost a year later) maybe like one or two sorta funny sprite comics and also PERFECTLY hiding the fact that DJ is posting from an asylum within an asylum operated by living asylums.

In the future, DJ will have had been being bored with some things, and has had been being Miyamoto's right hand, doing all important tasks like getting his lunch.

Thusly, salute the great DJ, with an IQ of 120 degrees Kelvin, which is higher than OB1's IQ tempurature, but when measuring IQ via tempurature, like golf, a lower score is ACTUALLY colder, so OB1 wins. Also, DJ once saw an armadillo.

*pictures to be added later*

You can't do an autobiography! Someone else has to do your biography!

Great Rumbler
Hahaha, that's funny, DJ! :D