View Thread : The Official Television/Movie Quotes Thread

In this stupid and pointless thread which'll probably later turn into a debate about affirmative action, abortion, or Nazi parents, we shall post endless movie/television quotes to our hearts' content! Let's start!

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
~Sean Connary (not really), Celebrity Jeopardy, Saturday Night Live


That woman deserves her revenge, and we deserve to die.

From Kill Bill Vol. 2.

alien space marine
The three things great in life, Shaving cream , Beer, Premature ejeculation.

Arnold Swartsenegger
The Running man.

"They should all be lined up against a wall and shot." ~Me in the previous three threads.

That's not a movie or television quote, but who cares?

Great Rumbler
"Uh oh!" ~ The whole cast of "Sealab 2021"

George Footman: "Don't you think you ought to let me go?"
George Kennedy: "In your wettest dreams, motherfuck."
Book quote, yes. My book-to-movie consumption ratio is about 10 to 1.

Great Rumbler
"Then We'll see how easily the ax slices through the meat!" ~ Master Shake/Aqua Teen Hunger Force

"Uh oh!" ~ The whole cast of "Sealab 2021"
HAHAH I saw that one; that was the FUNNIEST thing I've seen in so long!!

"The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy!"----Dr. Nick Riviera, The Simpsons

PLUTONIAN: "We're going to blow up your planet!"
MASTER SHAKE: "Go ahead, I'm not there." -(ATHF)

Sir! Calm down! You're going to give yourself skin failure!

Dr. Nick again.

Here comes Marco, comes Marco, comes Marco with his mailbox head!

Captain Murphys radio jingle

"I gotta have more cowbell--baby."
----Christopher Walken, SNL

Dark Jaguar
"Sorry, I have to tend to something. Someone's been stealing my water... They're very crafty... *waters plant and watches it vanish into soil* SHOW YOURSELF DAMN YOU!" ~ guess

That's right, I'm making it a GAME now! We must GUESS who said it! Mine's easy enough.

Great Rumbler
Adam West, The Mayor of Quahog.

"It's lightish red!!" ~ Private Donut/Red vs. Blue

HOMER'S PAMPHLET: Come to Homer's B-B-BQ! The extra B is for BYOBB!
LISA: What's that extra B for?
HOMER: That's a typo.

DR. NICK: Call 1-800 Doctorb! The extra B is for 'BARGAIN!"

If you're so frightened, why don't you ask your money to save you?!
~Kenshin to Kanryu, Rurouni Kenshin

STAN: If any of you want out of this, just say so now.
CARTMAN: I want out of this.
STAN: Shut up, Cartman.
~South Park

HOMER: *on a psychiatrists' chair talking about his problems*
STORE OWNER: Do you want to buy that chair or not? *zoom out to reveal that Homer's in a furniture store*
~The Simpsons
(I obviously can't remember the above scene too well, I just remember that it was funny.)

Book quote, yes. My book-to-movie consumption ratio is about 10 to 1.
My movie-to-book ratio is about... 100 to 1. :far-out:

A Black Falcon
Mine's probably closer to Weltall's. :)

Great Rumbler
Ignignot: Frylock, we're full of religion now! Bow you're heads and pretend to be serious.
Err: Do it or I'll bow 'em for you!

Ignignot: The innocent shall suffer...BIG TIME.

Mine's probably closer to Weltall's. :)
Mine's probably 2:1 movie-to-book.

Dark Jaguar
You mean those mooninites have names? The jokes fly by so fast on that show I miss a lot on the first viewing.

Of course they do. Do the Plutonians though...? :dunno:

Great Rumbler
Yes, they do. Emory and Oglethorpe, also the names of two colleges in Atlanta, Georgia.

BART: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
HOMER: ...He was a zombie?

Great Rumbler
"Chris, go to your room" ~ Peter Griffin/Family Guy

Shake: I should not walk so that a child may live!
Frylock: ...
Shake: That's what it does!

"Oh boy it's a beautiful day hey look at the ice! man I love life and this ice feels so cold I think it trip fall crack JESUS SHIT!" ~ My Dog discovering ice in the pool in the dead of winter

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled penises.....peppers. Shit"

"You cant fuck a baby without velcro!"

"I could sure go for a bunch of midgets and a horse cock"

~Random quotes from friends

Friend 1: well, all's well that ends well... Unless you're dead.

Me: Hey, it didn't end well at all.

Friend 2: Then you're dead.

Me: Oh dude heaven sucks so much ass.

~Me and some friends studying for a test

"No you know what? Let me tell you. You know what? It's the way people are. It's not because they want to drink, it's because god your wife is hot. Minka... you're so hot. I mean... you're..... hot" ~Weltall, drunk in my apartment

Friend 1: Let's vagina cock fuck!

Me: Monkey shit pickle sperm!

Friend 2: Huh!? Dolphin Fuck!

Friend1 and me: OH BOY DOLPHIN FUCK!

Me: I'll get the mayonaise!

~Me and some friends working on a film

Guy: Where's your hands...?

Guy 2: ...Between two pillows....

Guy: ...

Guy 2: ...



OLD DRIPPY: Idle hands spend time at the genitals. And you know how much God hates that.

Sacred Jellybean
"Modern medical ethics dictate that I tell the prospective mother the bad news. Unfortunately, it's nap time." *curls up on the floor and begins snoring*
~Terry Duke Tetzloff, from Duckman

Duckman (to Cornfed): "Look, maybe I made a mistake or two, but I'm still a citizen, and the IRS is still an agency of my government! I'm sure they'll reason with me in a fair and compassionate manner."
IRS agent: *throws customer out of office* "I don't give a damn what your excuse is! 'Ohh, my wife needed an emergency operation in Taiwan for the kidney, but on the way back, my plane crashed in the ocean, and I had to swim with the bag of my tax documents in my teeth for the whole 78 miles!' "
Customer: "But... it's true!" *holds up newspaper report confirming his story*
IRS agent: "So what if it's true?! You smudged the receit!" *whacks customer with newspaper*
Customer: *runs away crying*
IRS agent: "Pssh... in-laws."

Sacred Jellybean
More, more, more.

*man goes to return library disks, machine scans his retinas*
Machine: Retinal scan... REJECTED!
Librarian: I'm sorry, you have two overdue disks, we'll have to confiscate your retinas! *dumb chuckle*
Gir: *bursts through library doors* I REQUIRE ACCESS TO ALL HUMAN KNOWLEDGE!
Librarian: Hmm... mmm... uhhh... that would be under reference!
Gir: Not acceptable, library drone!
~Invader Zim

Zim: You! Burger lord! How is it that this meat is so pure... so perfect?
Fast food employee: Well... it all started in 1962. <i>Utilizing advances in modern food synthesis, scientists have been aided by the germ hostile <b>spaaace meeeat</b> to be used in long expeditions into <b>deeep spaaace</b>. Only recently has their hard work paid off, as even more advances in the field of <b>spaaace meeeat</b> have been made and applied to what is now called... <b>OPERATION: MEAT</b>. Seeing this as a way to end their streak of being sued by angry customers poisoned by their burgers, the Magnetes corporation decided to try this miraculous <b>spaaace meeeat</b>.</i> ...not having access to that technology, we make ours out of napkins.

Dark Jaguar
Peter Griffin: Ah c'mon, office humor is funny!

Dilbert: Hey Wally, you know what they call someone who gets promoted?
Wally: No, what?
Dilbert: An employee.

Peter: Well, sometimes it's funny.


Dilbert at his mother's: *sees garbage man inside collecting garbage* What are you doing in here?
Garbage man: I'm collecting the trash. It's what I do.
Dilbert: Since when do you actually go inside and change it yourself?
Garbage Man: Since always, you just have to ask.
Dilbert: How did you even get in here?
Garbage Man: I used my key. All the doors in this town have the exact same lock. But, don't spread it around...
Dilbert: I won't.

Look no farther then my sig :)

Great Rumbler
"Why am I crying in French?!" ~ Vash/Trigun

Olethorpe: Look at that down there. That's doing some deterraforming, right?
Emory: No, man, that's Hawaii.

Dark Jaguar
Samurai: I shall challenge you in Kazuratsumahematosem! (Or something, Japanese is all the same anyway. :D) *shows sheet with Japanese symbols on it*

Vash: *Has totally serious and blank expression for a while* .... Hey c'mon I can't read that!

<embed src="" hidden="true">

Great Rumbler
Demon-Eye woman: If I'd wanted to I could have killed you at least 3 times during this conversation
Vash: Oh yeah? I could have gropped you 5 times. *holds up five fingers* *notices bandged finger* Well...maybe more like 4!

HIPPIE: You can't own land, man!
PROF. FARNSWORTH: I can! But that's because I'm not a penniless hippie!

PROF. FARNSWORTH: Who are they?
SLURM GUY: They're the grungalunkas!
PROF. FARNSWORTH: Tell them I hate them!

Dark Jaguar
You got it all wrong Darunia!

He said you can't OWN PROPERTY man! That's why it's funny, because of the very definition of the word property!

GR, that's the one thing I didn't like about Vash... But oh well, every hero has to have some personality defect.

*Resigns from his position as the Chairman of the Board of Futurama Quoters*

Great Rumbler
GR, that's the one thing I didn't like about Vash... But oh well, every hero has to have some personality defect.


"Someone once told me that when they watched the birds it made them want to go on a journey" ~ Kino/Kino's Journey

Great Rumbler
Meatwad: 5.9% over APR? You don't get APR like that everyday!
Shake: Are you kidding?! With interest rates like that I could just die!

Shake: I believe by "Adarondacs" what I was referring to were those really nice chairs in that furniture catalog.
Frylock:'ve never been to the Adarondacs?
Shake: Look, if I bought them you'd sit in them!

Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Well, that depends... when have I ever been pondering what you were pondering?
Brain: ...never.
Pinky: So what are the odds I'm pondering what you're pondering now?
Brain: Next to nil.
Pinky: Exactly what I was thinking!
Brain: Therefore, you are pondering what I'm pondering.
Pinky: Oh, I guess I am then! Ha ha ha... narf!
~Pinky and the Brain

Laser Link
Really, the only one that made me laugh was the Pinky and the Brain. But maybe that is because I don't know any of the other shows or movies or whatever. I might just spout off random WOT quotes that make me laugh, but only 3 other people would get them.

Ah, who cares.

When you wish for so long that you could hear something, and then suddenly, without warning, you do, it is like a lightning strike and rain on parched ground. You're stunned but you cannot hear enough.
-Gawyn Trakand to Egwene al'Vere

Women do not become exhausted, they only exhaust others.
-Elder Haman

If you must mount the gallows, give a jest to the crowd, a coin to the hangman, and make the drop with a smile on your lips.

Till shade is gone, till water is gone,
into the Shadow with teeth bared,
screaming defiance with the last breath,
to spit in Sightblinder's eye on the last Day.
-Aiel Oath

You can never know everything, and part of what you know is always wrong. Perhaps even the most important part. A portion of wisdom lies in knowing that. A portion of courage lies in going on anyways.
-Lan Mandragoran

We all make our limits, and we set them further out than we have any right.
-Lews Therin Telamon

Bad habits pay off in the long run.
-Mat Cauthon

Halt here! Now! By the order of the Lord Dragon! Else he channel your head into your belly and feed you your own feet for breakfast!
-Mat Cauthon

If the world is ending, a woman will take time to tell a man something he's done wrong.
-Mat Cauthon

As my Lord says, my Lord's leg is not a side of beef. Thank you, my Lord, for instructing me.
-Nerim, to Mat, while sewing up his wounds

Rand is the one who's supposed to go mad, and here I am, talking to an axe!
-Perrin Aybara, to his axe

To stand against the Shadow so long as iron is hard and stone abides. To defend the Malkieri while one drop of blood remains. To avenge what cannot be defended.
-Royal Malkeri Oath

You wait here - and try not to eat the table.
-Thom Merrilin, to Mat Cauthon

A Black Falcon
Most of those were funny, LL... :)

Sharon: What are you doing, hon?
Stan: Trying to get a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and then--
Sharon: You know, you men are all alike! First you get a cookie, then you criticize the way I dress. Then it's the way I cook! I suppose next, you'll be telling me that you need your space, and that I'm sabotaging your creativity! Go ahead, Stanley! Get your goddamn cookie!
Stan: (looking horrified) 'kay...
~South Park

And then there's the quote in my sig, from the most recent episode of South Park. :)

Laser Link
Reading through the books again, I can't help but get a kick out of Mat. He is so funny, not just in what he says, but how he acts and how he thinks and how others relate to him. I just finished A Crown of Swords and I can't get enough of the scenes with Mat, Elayne, and Nynaeve all together. In fact, I've noticed that Elayne and Nynaeve in particular are used for comic relief, but in a very subtle and ironic way. I didn't get it at all until this last time reading through (which is my 3rd), and found most of their scenes to be very boring, but it's different now. I think it's because they have such an arrogant, self-righteous, and even hypocritical (Nynaeve complaining about people who bully others!) mindset about everything, and they are so blind to it. They are so sure they know exactly what is going on in the world, and since I know not only what is happening but also what will happen several books in the future, it becomes very comedic. To me, at least.

Dark Jaguar
Ah LL, you HAVE to watch ALL of Adult Swim! It's the reason for the season! Or is that the kicking of the aqua teen hunger force's arses? I forget...

Anyway, I have formed a new evil villian super team which I shall call "Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday!" (robots in background keep repeating the infinite loop) No no, it's just once you stupid robots...

Er: I kinda like that name, it's identifiable.

And believe you me, you would totally laugh at all these quotes in their correct context. Remember, Adult Swim's original shows center on total insanity.

Brak: Greetings friend, how would you like this picture of yourself as a carrot?

Brak (living in a cardboard box): I'm just about to pull this delicious cardburkey out of my cardboven.

Old man: You would share this bountiful feast with a down and out stranger?

Brak: That I would friend.

Old Man: Then we have a WINNER! *transforms into greek god*

Brak: waaaa?!

Generositus: I am Generositus, son of Gratiotimus, from Mount Olimpitus, in Pompipompipompipompitus. I am god of all kindness.


Generositus: I am a GOD!


And oh yes, WATCH KIDS IN THE HALL! It focuses on that ironic sort of humor that's indirectly funny just like you are noticing those two characters I've never heard of to be.

*enter scene of couple fighting*

Woman: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! *kicks man outside house and locks door*
Man: That's it open this door!
Woman: No!
Man: I said open this door!
Woman: No way!
Clouds: *rain*
Man: Alright... ahaha, I got it! That's it, new house rule! The outside is now the inside and the inside is now the outside!
Woman: You can't do that!
Man: I certainly can! The house is in MY name and I make the rules! You are now OUTSIDE! Now, I'll just be sitting over here on the new couch to read the news. *reads newspaper that's falling apart in the rain*
Woman: You can't do this! Let me inside the house!
Man: No.
Woman: I said let me inside!
Man: No way, you just enjoy being... outside! Ahah!
Woman: I'll telling you to open this door!

A Black Falcon
I need to buy books two through four... oh, sure, I could get them from the library if I wanted to read them again (like I did before), but when I own part of a series I like to own all of it and I have books 1 and 6-10. :)

All in paperback, of course. Hardcover books are just too expensive. New Spring - The Novel is just one of a few books I'm waiting to come out in paperback...

Yeah, I'd probably laugh at more of these ATHF quotes if I watched the show. I watch bits of it at every opportunity. One thing I'd like to know, though, is why do they make it a 15-minute show and show two episodes back-to-back? Why not just make two 15-minute shorts and combine them into one 30-minute episode? Perhaps they wanted to try something different. Being different is fun sometimes.

Dark Jaguar
You don't know what it WAS is why you don't get it. The show USED to be on with like 6 other AS shows, and it was just one episode every week at the time, meaning the other 15 minute block had something else, like The Brak Show. The reason all their shows were 15 minutes to start with was just funding and having to fit all them in that time slot. Anyway, as a result, they end up telling about 5 jokes a second. LL, if you had trouble catching all the jokes coming at you in Shrek 2 (which was very funny I might add), then watch out because you'll need to watch each episode of this like 3 times just to catch it all.

LL, one notice to you. Here is the HOOK that will DRAG you into loving this show. Every now and then they must deal with an evil that is attacking... POWERPUFF MALL! Yes, THAT Powerpuff Mall! The PPG deal with funny but effective villians. However, these guys, who live in the ghetto, end up dealing, against their will, with the looser villians. The people who just kinda stand around yelling at each other about things. In other words, eventually they better have the amoeba boys show up.

Shake: Shake, POWER, <B>ACTIVATE!</B> *squirts little bit of shake on ground*
....Now come on over here and slip on it... if you DARE!

And ya gotta love Dr. Weird. He's an evil genius scientists, who's smart, but he's completely and I mean COMPLETELY insane.

Dr. Weird: Gentlemen, BEHOLD! *just stands there*
Assistant: ....I don't get it, are you supposed to do something or....
Dr. Weird: Am I not INVISIBLE?!
Assistant: Er uh... well, um no.
Dr. Weird: WHY NOT?!

Laser Link
I watched Space Ghost Coat to Coast once or twice, and never got into it. I am aware that I am the only person who didn't get hooked, and I really wanted to. I don't really watch a lot of tv anymore, I don't have time. Instead, I just record everything in the off chance that someday I may want to watch it. I still have the first 3 seasons of Pokemon on VHS tapes <b>in order with commercials cut out</b>, but I haven't watched any of them in a long time. A couple months ago I was just trying to watch Cowboy Beebop, and after about 4 episodes they moved it or temporarily took it off the air or something. I guess I'll take another look at Adult Swim sometime. I heard they move Cowboy Beebop around all the time, and it always ends up back in the lineup sooner or later. Is that true? And everybody always goes on about ATHF and such.

Yeah, with Shrek they like to run jokes together, so while you are laughing you miss the next 2. I really like that. And a lot of times I don't get the rip-off jokes because I don't know what they are spoofing, and later when I catch up on the other movies that everyone else has seen I get the Shrek jokes.

Great Rumbler
Shake: I think the wolfman had a book like that down in the crawlspace why don't you go down there and trade him something for it? I heard he like meat.
Meatwad: You're words of terror amuse only yourself.
Shake: Is that so?
Meatwad: Yes.
Shake: Well...Dracula called and he said he's coming over to get you and I said okay.

Shaun: It's not a real gun.
Ed: Big Al says it's real.
Shaun: Well, Big Al says dogs cant' look up!
Ed: They can't!
Shaun: Yes, they can!

~From "Shaun of the Dead"

Dark Jaguar
Ah yes, these jokes really aren't too funny if you aren't there I guess... :D

Great Rumbler
Frylock: Meatwad bought the chips so the tickets are his.
Shake: Is that so? *punches a hole in the wall*
Frylock: Yeah.
Shake: Oh yeah? Well no one escapes from...the...ALCATRAZ!!!

Actually, I never got into Space Ghost: Coast to Coast either, but that was mainly due to the fact that I was too young to understand it back when it first became popular. The DVD of the complete first season is available for rental at the Blockbuster near where I work, so I might rent it and see if I like it now.

Dark Jaguar
There's not much to understand though.

Great Rumbler
The first season of Space Ghost C2C wasn't that great, well worth the $25 I paid for it though, but the later episodes are a lot better.

Ed: Any zombies out there?
Shaun: Don't say that
Ed: What?
Shaun: That...
Ed: What?
Shaun: The "Z" word
Ed: Why?
Shaun: Because it's ridiculous.

~ From "Shaun of the Dead"

Frylock: Do you know how much water is used up every time you flush the toilet?
Carl: I give. What?
Frylock: Three gallons.
Carl: Wow, what a waste. The poor children.

Dr. Weird: [as an answering machine message] Gentlemen. You have reached Dr. Weird's residence. Now speak at the tone!
Telemarketer: Hello, Dr. Wire... Wired... Wi... Weird.
Dr. Weird: Steve, send the phone spiders.
Telemarketer: This is Jay Edwards with, uh, Chauna Construction Company. With Spring here, we thought you might be interested in a new deck. AHH! Spiders! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!
Dr. Weird: No, I guess we're not interested. Ah ha ha ha!

Dark Jaguar
I just realized something that will UNDO THE FOUNDATIONS OF REALITY!

ATHF = EEE! (ATHF means Aqua Teen Hunger Force and EEE means Ed, Edd, and Eddy)

Frylock = Edd
Shake = Eddy
Meatwad = Ed

Same basic character types anyway, the genius, the jerk, and the idiot.

Great Rumbler
I never really thought about it before, but they are kind of similar.

Now, I do know quite a bit about Ed, Edd, n' Eddy. Plank is my favorite. He really does have a personality and free will of his own!

Great Rumbler
Or DOES he?!

Dark Jaguar
He's like Boxy Brown... oooooh yeah.

And Kevin is Carl!

Shake: Hey Carl, that's a nice pool there can I-
Carl: YOU stay away!, because YOU are weird.

Great Rumbler
Meatwad: Did you guys say that it would be easy to get whatever I want, which is a ten-speed?

Ignignot: Getting it is easy, filling it with illegal substances and sending it across the border is not.

Err: Because those dogs can smell anything, that's why you gotta kick 'em in the throat!

Meatwad: Hey now, guys, look I do not want to do anything illegal here...but I would kill a man in front of his own momma to get that ten-speed and if anyone testifies against me I'll gouge their eyes out!

Err: Let's get drunk and rip off a ten-speed!

Meatwad: Then we'll get a basket and a horn...

Err: Then we'll set it on fire and wreck it into kids and laugh at their parent's and...*falls over* whoa, man, I'm toasted.

Ignignot: The innocent shall suffer...BIG TIME.

I just realized something that will UNDO THE FOUNDATIONS OF REALITY!

ATHF = EEE! (ATHF means Aqua Teen Hunger Force and EEE means Ed, Edd, and Eddy)

Frylock = Edd
Shake = Eddy
Meatwad = Ed

Same basic character types anyway, the genius, the jerk, and the idiot.

That's nothing new, it's one of the most commonly-used group archetypes in fiction.

One of my favorite ATHF quotes...

Assistant (Imitating Dr. Weird): Fill me with barbecue sauce cause I'm dumb as hell!!

Great Rumbler
And then Dr. Weird shoots him with exploding tacos. :D

No actually a giant Dr. Weird head came in from where most of the experements are and bit his head off.

Dark Jaguar
And considering that the guy is obviously an insane genius as opposed to "dumb as hell" (I mean, he BUILT the thing after all), that guy deserved a head biting!

That wasn't exploding tacos! It was the TACO BEAM! It concentrates taco energy into a pure directed form!

Great Rumbler
Well, I remember in one episode Dr. Weird shoots Steve with exploding tacos.

Dark Jaguar
Yeah, that's what the beam looks like! I mean, taco energy would look like a stream of tacos ya know!

Here's an example of what a proper focused taco beam should look like, and what it should be used on (robots mainly, but monsters and basically anyone that doesn't really help the lighting of a room are also acceptable).