Post "The Critic" quotes

Jay: Now before I start writing Ghostchasers III, who do you have back from the original cast?
Male assistant: Uhh... the black guy.
Female assistant: But we've only got him for two days. He's also playing the black guy in Batman 3.

Jay: I'm tempted, but I don't know... can Duke really be president? Can he be trusted with nuclear weapons?
Jeremy: We trust him with the ones he has now.

Bob Dole: Bob Dole, good to meet you, Duke.
Dan Quayle: I'm Dan Quayle. I gotta go boom-boom.
Duke: Bob, I'm thinking of running as a republican.
Bob Dole: That nomination is mine! *lightning strikes outside* If you interfere, I'll release this tape. *turns on TV*
Duke (on the TV): Pretty kitty Calooco, you know that I love you so, with your fur so soft and fair, I would not take you anywhere... *sobs*

Forrest Gump: Mr. President, I'm Forrest Gump, owner of Bubba Gump shrimp.
Bill Clinton: Shrimp? I love shrimp! Shrimp cocktails, shrimp scampi, shrimp puffs, shrimp ca bob...
*hours later*
Bill: ...peanut butter and shrimp sandwiches, shrimp milkshakes, shrimp wine...
*even more hours later*
Bill: ...Count Shrimpula cereal, and blueberry pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, a little brown sugar, and some shrimp.
Forrest Gump: You sure like shrimp, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: Did you say shrimp? I love shrimp! Shrimp? I love shrimp! Shrimp cocktails, shrimp scampi, shrimp puffs, shrimp ca bob...

Cyrus: I wanna thank you for helping my wife and my little girl. It's more than I did...
Jay: Well, there are a lot of people in New York that would have done what I did... they're called putzes.
Cyrus: Mmm. I like pepperoni on my putzes!
Jay: ...I'll bet you do.

Mets coach: Alright, which one of you threw the firecracker at the little girl?
*random player raises hand shamefully*
Coach: You're off the team. Alright, I'm making a list. Who's gotta go to court today?
*4 guys raise their hands*
Coach: You're off the team. Now, who impregnated my daughter?
*remaining 3 guys leave*
Coach: Oh, marvelous.

Johnny Wrath: Well Howard, my new album is, uh...
Howard Stern: Shut up. Margo, can I see you naked.
Robin: Ahahahahaha!
Margo: Of course not!
Howard Stern: Then get out.
Robin: Hahahaha!!
Howard Stern: Robin, what's so funny?
Robin: I don't know, I wasn't listening! *giggles more*

Post more!

Ah, The Critic...these are all somewhat paraphrased so forgive me if they're a little off.

Critic: Tim Allen delivers the same likeable performance which may not win awards, but keeps America smiling. How was that?
Gene Siskel: ...You're Satan, aren't you?
Critic: (transforms into Satan) You win this round, Siskel! *dissolves into floor*

Jay: Danger was around every corner.
*flashback to Jay and company riding across desert on camels*
Guard: Halt! To go forward you must solve the riddle of the Sphinx!
*everybody looks nervous*
Guard: Why did the boy...throw the clock out the window?
Arabian: He wanted to see time fly.
Guard: Okay, okay, okay, that was an easy one.
*day turns to dusk, guard pulls cup out of Sphinx nose and reads it*
Guard: When is a door...not a door:
Other Arabain: When it is ajar!
*Guard checks cup, the crushes it*
*dusk turns to night*
Guard: What do you call a vegetable who sings?
Jay: Elvis Parsley.
Guard: I also would have accepted Frank Asparagus. *reaches for another cup*
Jay: Oh what is the point of all this??
Guard: I'm so lonely...

Man in chariot: Spartacus, we've rid the chariot of the Centurion.
Spartacus: Then let's rock and <i>ROLL!!</i>

Orson Welles: Rosebud...yes, Rosebud frozen peas. Chock full of country goodness and green penis. Oh that's terrible, I quit. Jut a handful for the road. *walks offscreen munching* Oh what luck, there's a french fry stuck in my beard. *munching sounds* Oh yeah....

Reporter: What is your response to critics who say that this marraige is just an outrageous publicity stunt ot help your campaign?
Duke: I say GAZE into the hypnotic power, of my evil eye!
*creepy music plays*
Duke: Is there a follow-up question?
Reporter: *in monotone voice* How may I serve you, evil one?

Duke: I say slip her the money without her knowing. The best charity is always anonymous.
Jay: What about that?
*points out the window to Duke Phillips Hospital*
Duke Statue: All hail Duke! Duke is life! All hail Duke! Duke is life! All -- *pigeon flies into mouth*
Duke: Pigeons seem to like the sound of my -- *pigeon flies into Duke's mouth*

Oh, what a great show. Such a shame that such a hilarious show was so short lived. Beofre it's time I guess.

EM didn't get the pun I think... Think of that this way. Pea-nis.

Orson Wells: Eat delicious Countryworth's French Fries! *eats them frozen* Oh yes! They're even better RAW!

Jay's Dad: They call them fingers, and yet they don't fing. Noodle THAT one for a while.

Orson Wells: Yes I may be dead, but I get all the Countryworth's fries I want! *eats fries* They're even better when you're DEAD!

Jay's Dad: I've taken to inventing, for example my babymaboberwirlymagig. *pan to spinning ceiling thing with babies in it*

Honestly I haven't memorized it word for word, but I do remember all these scenes were funny.

You're both wrong. It was pea-ness. ;)

Which is what I was basically trying to convey here, so he would get the pun.

Ahh, I see. Serves me right for skimming your post.

Skimming is LIKE reading you know, only... without the comprehension part.

I can't remember any quotes; but the one thing that I've always remembered was "the kid from Easter Island", and he had a big monolithic stone head...and I remember he was going to Jay's son's birthday in one episode, but he couldn't fit through the door, so just sighed and sat down on the frontsteps.

"You're watching Fox! Give us 10 minutes, we'll give you an ass!"

News reporter: The Siskel and Ebert split-up has generated two TV movies. Here's a scene from the Fox version.
Black guy: Booty booty bootyyyyyyy! Yeaahhh, boyeeee!!

I was in tears the first time I saw that... :D

French Doctor: Monsieur Phillips, you have a rare blood disorder previously only seen when cousins intermarry.
Duke: Heh heh, well fancy that, first time everything, huh? Heh heh.
French Doctor: I'm going to be frank, you have only five years to live.
Duke: Oh really? Well, what would you say if I give you some of this neon toilet paper you frenchies call money?
French Doctor: I would say merci beaucoup, Mr. Five-Years-To-Live!
Duke: This can't be right. I've got the body of an eighteen year old! *points to Jay* You telling me this guy's going to live longer than me?
French Doctor: Yes, but he will suffer years of chronic joint pain before choking to death on a ham sandwich.
Jay: Ooh ooh, can the sandwich be olive loaf?
French Doctor: I suppose so.
Jay: Yes!

Jay: You know what he's saying, Duke? He's saying that you can't get the daughter of the assistant of one of your most expendable employees into this preschool!
Duke: Is that a compliment or an insult?
Jay: An insult!
Duke: I've never been so insulted in my life!

Duke is probably the funniets character on that show :)

Mr. T: I pity the fool who mess with the Jay Team!
Duke: I'm cool, I'm cool! Dukey-Duke don't diss a man when he's chillin' with his homies!

*Terrorists arrive on Jay's show carrying carts of assault rifles, dynomite, etc.*
Security Guard: Hey, wait a minute! Who are you guys?
Head Terrorist: We are... um... caterers!
Security Guard: You're heavily armed for caterers.
Head Terrorist: We took the subway!
Security Guard: You're lightly armed for the subway.

*Terrorists arrive on Jay's show carrying carts of assault rifles, dynomite, etc.*
Security Guard: Hey, wait a minute! Who are you guys?
Head Terrorist: We are... um... caterers!
Security Guard: You're heavily armed for caterers.
Head Terrorist: We took the subway!
Security Guard: You're lightly armed for the subway.
*Cracks up*

Dictator: *speaking to the class about his career* ...I rely on terror and oppresion, because everyone plots against me!
Jay: I was going to say that.

Jay: *to Marty* This is your new mother.
Latin bride: I plan to divorce him and take half his money.
Jay: She's a lot like your old mother...

Doris: That play was terrible.
Jay: Well, that's the kind of thing I see all the time. Now, you can see why I'm always so cranky.
Doris: You know, I'd really hate to be you.
Jay: Oh, it's not so tough being a film critic.
Doris: No, I was starting a new conversation.

Jeremy: Jay, we have a saying in Australia. Well, it's not really a saying, it's a drinking song. It's about a bottle of beer and the men who loved her... and it doesn't really apply here... but my advice to you is, slow down.
Jay: Why are you telling me this?
Jeremy: Because you're the only decent guy I've met in this dreadful country. I love you, mate.
Jay: Wow... that's twice in one day.
Restaurant owner: I love you, too!
Jay: You just love my money!
Restaurant owner: That is true, but it is a love that will never die.

You call yourself a Critic fan? Then you should know the name of the owner of L'ane Riche is Vlada! Now go sit in the corner and think about what you've done!

Hahaha :D Yeah, I knew it was something along those lines, but I wasn't sure how to spell/pronounce it.

Nice job getting rid of that post, Arthur. :p

I'm clean! I'm cleeaaaaannnn!!! :crap:

No, Arthur, you are in fact VERY dirty.

dontsaythatimnotdirty:(