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CoconutCommander Mon, September 19th, 2005 01:49 AM

Cheating in a Relationship
 
In a relationship...

What is cheating? How does someone cheat? How far does someone have to go before it is considered a cheat? Can you cheat on someone you are not committed to? Can you cheat on someone without doing anything? How bad is cheating? Are there degrees to cheating? Is cheating ever justified?

Ryan Mon, September 19th, 2005 02:38 AM

I think getting intimate is where the line is drawn. Personally, I think it's one of the worst things a person can do to someone who cares about them.

Dark Jaguar Mon, September 19th, 2005 03:48 AM

If you are in a relationship, and you want to be free to do this, you better make sure in no uncertain terms it is okay with the partner you have in that relationship. Otherwise, yes you ARE betraying someone. If you didn't want to have to deal with that, you shouldn't have become involved with someone.

CoconutCommander Mon, September 19th, 2005 10:00 AM

What do you mean by intimate? Physically or emotionally? You can have sex without becomeing intimate and you can become intimate without even touching a person. I believe a person cheats when they preform any action that was specifically reserved for the person they have affections for.

Geno Mon, September 19th, 2005 06:37 PM

Making out is probably about where I'd draw the line. A peck on the cheek, or even on the lips, of another person is pushing the limit, but not crossing it. If they started making out though, they'd be cheating. Sex with someone else is also cheating. (Duh.) Hugging isn't cheating unless you begin touching the other person's private parts.

That's physically cheating anyway. Emotionally cheating is up for debate. The only person who knows if someone is emotionally cheating is the person doing it. If they have urges (primarily sexual) to be with someone other than their boy/girlfriend, then they're emotionally cheating. This is harder to recognize than physical cheating.

Dark Jaguar Mon, September 19th, 2005 07:46 PM

Okay, that's all well and good, but here's a BETTER rule to follow. Cheating should be defined as whatever your significant OTHER considers to be cheating (and visa versa). Now, this takes actually ASKING the other person, but it's a relationship, so there's that. If that person's rules are too strict for your liking (for example, you can't exist within 3 lightyears of other humans while dating), then simply say so. Either you will talk it out, or the relationship will dissolve.

So if your partner is fine with you getting physical with other people whenever you want, then it would not be "cheating". If they are, then it is.

EdenMaster Mon, September 19th, 2005 08:08 PM

This is a touchy subject because most everyone has their own place where they draw the line. Some control freaks won't even let you look at a member of the opposite sex, while others who persue an "open relationship" allow each other to be with whoever they want, so long as they come back home to each other at the end of the day.

If I'm dating a girl then I suppose I would draw the line at what would be considered the early physical stages of any relationship, holding hands or what have you. Hanging out with someone is fine, talking on the phone, whatever. If things get too close though, that's cheating in my book, and cheating is the one unforgivable offense that, for me, will end a relationship instantly and messily. Ryan said it earlier, that is the worst thing you can do to someone you care about. The deepest cut you can make. I'd end a relationship if I caught by girlfriend cheating, but chances are, if your significant other is doing that already, there was little hope for it anyhow.

If you're with someone, you should be dating them alone, no side-quests ;).

Dark Jaguar Mon, September 19th, 2005 08:18 PM

Again, it seems to me the "platinum rule" of going by whatever your partner thinks is unacceptable seems to work best. EM, I did just explain how to deal with situations where the rules they have are too strict. If they ARE too strict, you have to talk to them about it or break up. That's all there is to it.

Geno Mon, September 19th, 2005 08:23 PM

Yeah, DJ brings up a good point. I guess the rules I laid out above would be my own rules for anyone who wants to date me. I'd say my rules are fairly lenient.

EdenMaster Mon, September 19th, 2005 08:27 PM

Exactly. If you're idea of cheating is different than your partners, then one of you has to be willing to change, or end the relationship before someone gets hurt.

I do think, though, that while there are extreme cases in both directions of the issue, I think excessive physical contact would be the "line" for the majority of people.

Dark Jaguar Mon, September 19th, 2005 08:35 PM

Yeah, there is the common sense factor. If you somehow managed to get into a relationship without finding out such critical information, it's best to go with what you SHOULD have learned about society by now until you DO finally get around to figuring that out.

EdenMaster Mon, September 19th, 2005 08:39 PM

Thing is, it's not exactly first-date conversation material. Far as I'm concerned, if you're serious enough in a relationship to bring up each others limits, then it's far enough in to have enough sense to not do certain things with other people.

Geno Mon, September 19th, 2005 08:55 PM

Yeah, common sense is good.

CoconutCommander Tue, September 20th, 2005 05:35 AM

What about cheating on someone you are not commited to? Is this possible?

Geno Tue, September 20th, 2005 06:37 AM

As long as you're not pretending to be committed to them. That's just cruel. Otherwise, it's not possible to cheat on someone to whom you haven't committed yourself to loving.

Darunia Tue, September 20th, 2005 09:21 AM

Colonel Cocoapuffs, is this about what I think it is?

Geno Tue, September 20th, 2005 09:41 AM

I'm confused. :confused:

CoconutCommander Tue, September 20th, 2005 02:29 PM

Dont worry Darunia, I haven't done anything. Nor would I. It's tough being away from ChefBoyardee, that's all, especially when Campbells Soup is being thrown at you more than you would like. It is difficult to say no to Campbells Soup when you can't get any Chef Boyardee. Plus I thought this would be an interesting topic. It seems not a lot of people disagree about cheating.

Has anyone participated in cheating? Either been cheated on, cheated on, or cheated with.

Geno Tue, September 20th, 2005 04:54 PM

To my knowledge, Mel never cheated on me, but who knows? I certainly never cheated on her. I've flirted with quite a few girls since I broke up with Mel, but to my knowledge, they were all single. Once again, who knows?

CoconutCommander Tue, September 20th, 2005 05:17 PM

Ive been cheated on. Even though I was about to break up with the dumb slut for seperate reasons, namely I didnt like her, I found out she cheated on me. It hurt alot. It was suprising how much it hurt even when I didnt like the girl.

Geno Tue, September 20th, 2005 06:21 PM

Yeah, I know how that feels. It's like, even though I shouldn't have cared what Mel thought of me after our breakup, it still hurt when she would act ashamed to have ever dated me in front of her friends. Maybe it's because I committed myself for all those years for nothing. All the crap I bought her that she didn't really need, all the times I apologized to her for arguments that were as much her fault as they were mine if not moreso and for what? To be used as an example of why Mel hates the male gender? I'm 100% over our breakup, but I can't help but want to make Mel realize that I wasn't all that bad. Sure, I was a little moody when I came home from work, but listening to her nag when she just sat on her ass all day didn't help any. Our relationship was like a Led Zeppelin song. (At least in the last year. The first two were better.)

Ryan Tue, September 20th, 2005 07:38 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Geno
Our relationship was like a Led Zeppelin song.
A good recommendation for this situation is "Your Time Is Gonna Come" :D

I was with a woman last year and we were pretty serious for awhile, but things started to get sour. Unfortunately, I was pretty ignorant of the signs, I thought things were just A-OK, more or less, but in reality I was caught up in it all and we were moving along a little too quickly, most of which was my fault. Her solution to to the problem was to drive me away, and to do so, she told me she had cheated on me with a former boyfriend. At the time, I had little reason to doubt her, and it was a fantastically nasty shock which drove me to hate her for a good while. Had I been a more observant boyfriend, I would have noticed things had not been as well as I thought, and also, had I been thinking logically I would have realized that she lied to me about cheating, and that it was just to get me to take off (this ex of hers is a friend now, and for lack of a better explanation, they'll never be more than that and haven't been for years). We didn't speak to each other for almost an entire year, but our paths did cross again a few months ago. We got to talking, and we explained many things to each other, and realized just what our problems were. We also realized that we still had feelings for each other and that neither of us had been very happy since we broke up, so we started it again on a trial basis, and since then, we've blossomed back into a relationship. And thankfully this time, we're both more observant and definitely a little more cautious.

Yeah, there was a point here :D

I know now that she didn't cheat, but for a long time I thought she had, and that was quite simply the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life. The first few weeks after we broke up I was in a deep depression, and that's saying a lot coming from me, because I usually get over things very quickly. I have several good friends to thank for helping me through that. Some people can handle depression, I couldn't. That kind was completely new to me. I have good friends. And now I'm happy that her and I patched things up and so far we're doing just fine.

EdenMaster Tue, September 20th, 2005 07:40 PM

I've never been cheated on (y'know, to my knowledge :D) and, frankly, I hope it's a feeling I'll never have to experience.

Dark Jaguar Tue, September 20th, 2005 07:43 PM

I will not allow a relationship to interfere with my plans. Thus, I have never been engaged in that wretched enterprize called "love".

I still have an understanding of what goes on in them, just from listening to people talk about such things, so I know what is and isn't kocher, and I understand that being "cheated on" is truly a terrible feeling. It's one I have never felt, but I do understand avoiding doing such harm is something someone who has committed themselves to another should make sure to do. Anyway, as such, I tend to view relationships and how to handle them from a purely logical standpoint.

Ryan Tue, September 20th, 2005 07:44 PM

Translation: DJ gets laid more than the rest of us combined.

EdenMaster Tue, September 20th, 2005 07:47 PM

:rofl:

Dark Jaguar Tue, September 20th, 2005 07:47 PM

I was thinking I was going to be translated as "a virgin" or "a vulcan", but from what I understand that's sort of a compliment.

EdenMaster Tue, September 20th, 2005 07:50 PM

A vulcan virgin, then.

Live long and prosper...eventually.

Dark Jaguar Tue, September 20th, 2005 07:56 PM

Every 7 years, it gets tough...

...

Brains... BRAINS! ... Sorry, wrong urge...

...

Um, I think I may eat some cake.... brains!

Ryan Tue, September 20th, 2005 08:34 PM

Well, you fooled everyone into thinking you were a woman for years... or at least allowed the theory to perpetuate.

Therefore, I'm going to read into this the exact opposite of the way it's intended. You sex machine you.

Great Rumbler Wed, September 21st, 2005 04:53 AM

Quote:
Well, you fooled everyone into thinking you were a woman for years...

Good times that.

Geno Wed, September 21st, 2005 12:45 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan
The first few weeks after we broke up I was in a deep depression, and that's saying a lot coming from me, because I usually get over things very quickly. I have several good friends to thank for helping me through that. Some people can handle depression, I couldn't. That kind was completely new to me. I have good friends.

Yeah, my breakup was hard to deal with too, as we had been getting very serious. The first week, we had broken up peacefully and so we were both okay with it. The next week, it suddenly hit me that it was over and that everything we had built up towards for years just kinda crumbled, and that put me into a depression, but I too had friends that helped me through it. Now I kinda regret ever being depressed. My biggest regret was when I snapped at her during my depression. It was a peaceful breakup and I had to ruin any post-relationship friendship that we could've had by going absolutely psychotic. It was about seven months before she talked to me again, but I think our discussion then helped to bury some old hatchets and, while we still don't talk to each other very often, at least now we're not afraid to talk to each other. She claims that she hasn't fully forgiven me though, and I can't say that I've fully forgiven her for all the things she did to me when we were still together, but at least we can behave like civilized human beings in each other's presence.

CoconutCommander Wed, September 21st, 2005 02:51 PM

That's tough. I can definitely relate. Those aren't hollow words either. When I was reading your thing, Geno, I could almost substitute names and have it be my story. Take notes from those experiences though. Every consecutive relationship will better if you learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of your partner. Plus if you are anything like me, your heart probably calloused up a little bit, and it will be harder to fall in love and harder to get you heart broken.

Geno Thu, September 22nd, 2005 07:04 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by CoconutCommander
That's tough. I can definitely relate. Those aren't hollow words either. When I was reading your thing, Geno, I could almost substitute names and have it be my story. Take notes from those experiences though. Every consecutive relationship will better if you learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of your partner. Plus if you are anything like me, your heart probably calloused up a little bit, and it will be harder to fall in love and harder to get you heart broken.

My thoughts exactly. In our first relationship, we are naive. We think this one is going to last forever, that it's different from everyone else's relationships. The fire breakup is always the hardest to deal with because it feels like you're throwing away a part of your life. Now I know better than to get too involved with a woman unless I know she is the one and that we are both ready to get serious. Until then, it's just flirting from here.

Darunia Thu, September 22nd, 2005 12:08 PM

I think that "cheating" is only thus when the two peope agree that they are in a relationship, at which time any sensual contact between a participant within said relationship and a third person is and should be considered to be classified at "Cheating."

CoconutCommander Thu, September 22nd, 2005 03:16 PM

*looks around and whispers* are you trying to tell me something, Dar?

lazyfatbum Sat, September 24th, 2005 11:19 AM

Cheating is a very simple paradigm.

People with low self-esteem need to be flirted with or flirt with as many people as possible. This never goes beyond in to any actual sex, but it can get close. In those situations it's up to the partner to decide what was too far. Some girls say looking at another woman is cheating, some girls say fucking them is okay but kissing is not, some girls dont care where you put your penis as long as you use protection and as long as you stay in love with them and not your fuckbuddies.

Totally opposite with men. The line all men use is "You can do other women (as long as i'm there) but if you so much as think of another man i'll disown you... I mean break up with you..." When in reality all people think up fantasies and masturbate to them all without their partner's knowledge. In fact, a healthy relationship requires this.

We're the only primate on Earth that tries to 'mate for life' while all other primates do the whole town as many times as possible, which is at the basis of all male thinking until we realize that we're lonely and we want an actual relationship with that love stuff everyone is talking about.

Love, is when you completely trust a person and you care for them more than yourself (physically, mentally) and you want to have massive sex at them. The catch is, while many people believe they have felt this, the idea is that both partners feel this way mutually in order for actual love to be in effect. Total and complete trust does not happen easily.

So all it comes down to is personal opinion and constant communication. If your girlfriend wants to wear a strap on and do you and she feels like she's never going to get the chance to do it because you keep saying no, ask yourself if you love her enough to help her. Which might mean helping her find someone else that she can experiment this fantasy with. Like I said, caring about your partner more than yourself. You should have enough trust in her to know that she can sleep with someone else and still be in love with you without your brain firing off ideas of anti-trust and spinning in to jealousy.

So long as she's honest with you. If she did find herself having feelings for someone else, it's time for some major tweaking of the brain's perception of love and how you feel about your partner.

Having said that, no Minka has not asked me if she can do me with a strapon. But God i wish she would.

EdenMaster Sun, September 25th, 2005 02:08 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by lazyfatbum
Having said that, no Minka has not asked me if she can do me with a strapon. But God i wish she would.

Simply casually mention to existence of this thread so she looks at it, and the sequence of events will have begun :D

Laser Link Tue, September 27th, 2005 04:14 PM

Quote:
Well, you fooled everyone into thinking you were a woman for years...

Not everyone...
Quote:

Love, is when you completely trust a person and you care for them more than yourself (physically, mentally) and you want to have massive sex at them.

Half right. The first half. Well, more like the second third... What I'm saying is this: Love is choosing the other person's highest good. You may not trust them. You may not be attracted to them. It may not be mutual. But you want the very best for them. That is real love. I don't know that humans are actually capable of it, but that should be the goal and you should come close to meeting that goal.

A Black Falcon Tue, September 27th, 2005 04:50 PM

Quote:
Not everyone...

But you already knew, so that doesn't count...


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